january oh january what do you have in store?

As if antidepressants might make me a different person, I am both relieved and disappointed by sporadic sightings of this continued vague sadness. I think I spent so long trying to thrill everyone with the wild happiness they were all expecting I would, through genetics, of course have, that I never noticed how much of a performance it all was. By the time I did, I was already firmly settled in so many double lives that it didn't seem to matter, and the space without happiness was like a refuge. I didn't really want to be happy- what I was and was doing was reliable and constant, whether or not it was abusive or destructive didn't matter. Clearly, the cold is making me go into a major sadness-stalking obsession. In winter you have two choices: curl up inside of yourself, or relentlessly try to curl up in others. If you really don't know what you're doing, you can try for both, just to see what happens.

Once Thanksgiving happened the year went into turbo-mode. Suddenly it is time to apply for "re-entry" to Oberlin, which sounds exciting and kind of science-fictiony, like it is a solar system or a spaceship. It's fun imagining the Medical Leave Re-Entry Review Board dressed in metallic suits and bubble helmets discussing the results of students' screenings and whether or not they are fit to return. More fun than wondering what might happen if once I hit the atmosphere of Ohio, all stability quickly evaporates. Really though, that all still feels far away. Between now and then stands the month of January, which is to say I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen.